This is part 2 of ‘Memoir of a wanna-be insomniac’.
As much as I had feared junior year, it became my absolute favorite year of highschool so far. Deep down, it was more of a subconscious decision to enjoy this year and prevent myself from falling into a pit of wallow as I did last time.
With the 32 hour day I ended up convincing myself I wasn’t allowed to enjoy my time; I was meant to focus solely on pulling myself back together, working hard, and getting good grades. It mostly consumed me, and made me feel worse about myself, essentially making the situation worse to a point I just wanted everything to end. I wanted to run away from my problems and start over, thinking my life would return to normal afterwards.
The closest I had to running away was traveling, and pretty much just being constantly away from my house over the summer. I went to Korea, Japan, and Australia, and shortly afterwards went to Ohio for an internship. It was a refreshing change of pace, and really a much needed one. I didn’t have to worry about tests or grades or even worry about impressions. I was free to really be myself. I think that’s when I started to truly smile again. The change of environment made me realize that I needed to change. Rather, I couldn’t let myself fall into such a spiral again.
I quit Orchestra. A difficult decision, but it was either stressing over excessive rehearsal schedules or using that regained time to get other things done. The answer was the latter, so I dropped Orchestra. I knew with the upcoming year I would be put in advanced classes again, with peers I didn’t know. With the loss of Orchestra, that also became one more class I wouldn’t know anyone in. So I made a decision to prevent that from pulling me down.
I made new friends. I met two wonderful freshmen in my Compsci class and we became a pretty close trio really quick. I started following people I saw common in my AP classes on Instagram as an initiative to get close to them. I started making the first move, reaching out to join groups with them, talking more, all of that to stop myself from feeling lonely. I started warming up to my teachers; talking to them freely and whenever I could to get closer to them and feel more welcome in class. I hung out with people I knew but didn’t talk to as frequently, getting close and creating closer bonds with them than I had the chance to in my previous years. In all, I made sure I didn’t spiral again by making myself more established within my classes. I continually felt like I couldn’t reach out or talk to people I knew because of my own silly restrictions and perceptions. I shook those off and took a step forward, out of my comfort zone. But even more than socializing, I changed how I studied. I felt looped up in the same cycle of pushing myself to spend more time reviewing and revising, caught in the same strategies and techniques. I wanted to change that, and looked into other ways to study.
Physics was an eye opener for me. I knew it was a hard subject, and AP Physics C Mechanics is especially a difficult course in general. BUt the struggle I faced in class was beholden to what I had experienced before. It took a few too many 70s and a 63 to make me realize whatever I was doing was inevitable and I had to look for different strategies. That’s how I gained a tutor. Slowly but surely, my grades improved. They weren’t up to par with my expectations and how well I usually do in classes, but I was happy to be improving, and rather, actually understand a little more about the subject I was learning. What’s more is that I got a second whiteboard. It’s a little silly, but I really wanted a second, slightly larger whiteboard than the one I already have. I had found that teaching topics to myself and using the whiteboard method really helped with certain subjects, so I wanted to buy a larger whiteboard so I can write more. Another thing I started doing was making flashcards. Although the idea came to me in the second semester just before my first macroeconomics test, they became really helpful when preparing for the rest of my tests that semester, as well as a really good quick review just before my AP exams.
It’s really the small things that can make a big difference. Of course, there still were days that I would find myself sleeping at 10:30 and waking up at 3, sometimes even 2:30 just to study for a test, but it didn’t feel like a daily requirement to do so. It was sometimes just a feeling of dread for a test given I didn’t study that well the night before, and I wanted to review the material to solidify it in my mind. As rough as it was, it was worth it.
In all, what really happened in junior year was that I was able to control the 32 hour day. It’s like one of those cliche fictional movies where a brilliant scientist creates a piece of technology that is revolutionizing, but instead consumes them and makes them a villain. That’s essentially how my life became, but instead the 32 hour day consumed me to become my own enemy, pushing myself down in an attempt to pull myself up.
Upon entering junior year, I made sure to prevent that, regaining control of the 32 hour day. I spent time with my friends and family, balancing both my academic and social life rather than giving one up for the other. I crossed my own boundaries, and took a step outside my comfort zone to explore and try different things. I made small changes to my daily life and routine, and really, that was all that I needed to pull myself back up. And really, more than that, I took advantage of the 32 hour day to live every second as much as I could, without feeling regretful it was gone. It’s cliche, really, but sometimes the most cliche things are what work the best.
