I wrote this essay exactly a year ago today in one go. What started as just a concept that popped in my head when getting ready, became a reflection and breakdown of my metal state and mindset at that point in my life. This essay is very dear to me for many reasons, but mainly because writing it finally let me express all the things I wanted to say that I could not for months. It is a raw reflection of who I am. I wanted to share it now, seeing how much I’ve grown since then, and relating it to the dark side of the 32 hour day. So I now present to you, “Caring and Imperfections.”
Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.
Caring and imperfections: how you don’t see something until you do see it
Sometimes you spend your whole life looking for something, only to realize that it’s right in front of you. Sounds a little cliche, and it is. My whole life has revolved around others. I rarely liked to be selfish or believed myself to be, and I often spent my time focusing on the benefit of others. In a way, it was beneficial. I allowed myself to meet new people and grow., But I also got trampled on easily. This is not the story of either of those events. This is the story of now. Who I am now; not the past but the present.
Recently I’ve been struggling. Struggling with myself, my internal thoughts and emotions, and my external presentation and demeanor. My biggest enemy is my mind. The same mind that I felt to be on my side throughout suddenly turned itself against me. Where did the cracks begin? Where did I start to feel like I was falling- slipping even? Beyond my sense of willpower, by my help, by my desire to get back up?
I felt insecure; I wasn’t good enough—classic teenage burnout; classic teenage meeting with reality. I told myself it was fine. We’ll get better. We never did. It started a spiral: another event, a loss. I couldn’t change myself or become the person I wanted to be. I let myself down, and those who expected the bare minimum from me. I promised myself I would do better. I haven’t. I try to talk and feel left out. Subtle details that should be glossed over get over-analyzed. Response timings, response length, reactions, and conversations. I have to keep myself alert, I shouldn’t let myself get too comfortable. I’m sixteen, I don’t need to participate in old childish traditions anymore. You’re right, I need to learn how to be an adult now. Why should I expect so much when I shouldn’t be. Maybe we’ve spoiled you too much. The fears become reality with every word you say. You don’t deserve half the praise you get. You don’t deserve to act all high and mighty with a simple perfect score when you can’t even achieve the important things. Stop thinking of yourself as good; you’re not even half as good. You don’t do enough to be considered good or to the level of others. You act like you can do so much but you can’t; pathetic. That rings. It echoes in my mind often, a little stronger on some days than others. I sometimes feel helpless, I can’t do anything about it and maybe I should quit. Just give up.
What’s interesting is that I saw two things about myself; one, all my imperfections, and two, how much I care. I said my life revolved around others, and it still does. I still care so much about other people, maybe more than myself. I care about whether they have a bad day or not. Whether they achieved that thing they’ve been excited about. Whether they could do their best and if they were happy. I wanted them to be happy and to help them I started to crumble. I cared too much about others and making them feel good, I started to feel bad when I didn’t get anything back. I thought too much about it. I felt that no one cared when I did. I wondered why. I felt that it was all my fault and that I ended up caring about them more than myself to make it better. It did not. In this, I could see myself cracking more and more. Everything came out, flooding out. Every mistake every thought every idea. But what came out of it?
It’s a terrible way, but it allowed me to see all the sides of myself I never would have considered. I could see everything. All my flaws, all my faults, all my insecurities, all my imperfections. I took it the wrong way. I embraced them willingly but with the wrong intentions. It’s because I cared too much that I allowed myself to see who I truly was. The opposite of everything I thought. And yet, I still don’t see it. Because, even if I cared too much to see everything that I was, I was still and still am caring too much to let myself forget about it.
I was and still am the same person who cares so much they can’t stand their friend’s suffering. I am a person who cares so much that I feel something bitter within myself when someone else gains the attention I believe to have gotten. I’m a person who cares so much they find that giving gifts is the best way to express their feelings. I’m the person who cares so much that they give away cupcakes on their birthday. I’m the person who cares so much that they decide to give up in an attempt to stop themselves from caring too much. I’m the person who cared so much, they didn’t want to ruin something so beautiful for a simple thought. I’m that person who cared.
