Part 200- Where I stand

Oh, what’s that you say? This is my 200th post. Well, thanks for noticing!

I love to think I’m so hilarious in my delusional little mind, that I have top-tier jokes when they’re pretty super cheesy. But really, 200 posts is amazing. Well it’s not my 200th post, we’ve surpassed that a while ago, but rather my 200th part. Of whatever this series was. Originating from COVID when I was in late 6th grade into my final few months as a sophomore. Wow, time goes by quickly.

I’m not writing this under the guise of being told to. Most of my posts have been written under assigned topics, but also in my own growing interest as I delve into the topic. But this is more an indulgent one, and also because I’m so incredibly bored and unable to focus while studying for my AP Bio test tomorrow. But really, there was one real reason I decided to start typing. 

I like writing. And I realize that’s like stupid for me to say suddenly. Especially when I’ve been posting for so long and it’s to a point where one would be concerned if I didn’t enjoy it at some point. But really, I love it. Maybe I’m infatuated with it, but that may be too strong of a word to use. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just how I enjoy hearing my keyboard click when pressing keys rapidly, or how I can somehow express my thoughts better than when they’re in my mind, all jumbled together and sometimes demeaning. But I truly enjoy writing. I think it took me 200 posts of this series, about 170-something posts to realize that. There was a moment when I talked to my dad, and I got super emotional talking about writing to the point I started crying. Because I just truly enjoy it. I want to be someone who writes something incredible. Something touching and inspiring to others mostly, but something I can be so incredibly proud of and call my own. I think anyone gets that, especially if they’ve always enjoyed or pursued something.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a little insecure about myself. With school, my personality, my mindset, and especially my writing. Especially in English. I know I shouldn’t take English as the standard to compare things, but it really kind of crushed me a bit to see myself not doing that well in English, in writing especially when I know I can write well, when I know that I can make something intricate and emotional (I hope at least). So it was a bit disappointing to see that something I prided myself on being fairly good at, not be that great at all. But after my mock, I realized that maybe I wasn’t so bad after all. I probably just got lucky, or with the stress of having so much make-up work due to extracurriculars and missing school got to me that I just gave up on thinking too much and just wrote to what was asked. My only problem now is keeping that up and hoping I don’t get too overconfident for my final and doing poorly. It probably won’t be that bad, but I want to establish that I’m not looking for a low score on my final, regardless of whether I did well on the mock or not. 

That’s another thing I get worried about. Being too overconfident. I feel like I’ve been doing that lately, and sometimes maybe I’m not confident enough, and that’s just let me slip into this sinous pattern of success and ‘failures’. It’s not failures, but not a level of success I want and expect from myself. (Just me being harsh on myself) And I feel like that’s somehow affected my writing. Like I’ve grown into this uneasy feeling of whether my writing has been good or not. I’ve been uneasy about publishing. I’ve tried different resources, techniques, and styles, and while there are a few mistakes on my part I KNOW I can do better on remembering about them, I just don’t know how I feel about my writing. 

But you know, there are these small moments I get everyone so often, maybe when I’m reading someone else’s writing or out of the blue, where I fall in love. I just think about writing, the urge to just put words to paper- or keyboard to document- and just say something. Anything. Preferably serious, something alluring and impactful. But also something fun, witty, and worthy to represent myself. And when I think about it I get emotional. Because writing means so much to me. And I get really scared sometimes I might lose that, or that it may not be up to my expectations and I face disappointment because of that. But at that moment, I feel happy. More than anything, I just feel content with the idea of writing, being able to write, reading significant writing, and thinking about how I would do that, or coming up with ideas. Everything about it is just great to me. And it’s taken almost 9 years for me to realize that, 170-something posts into my COVID series, and possibly hundreds upon hundreds of posts later. (, I’m just checking this now, I think this may be the 499th post I’ll publish- maybe more but that’s what it says on the list) 

I realize I’m probably rambling or even just writing nonsense at this point. But I just felt like sharing that. Even if maybe only 3 or 4 people actually read my posts, and it’s mostly for myself, I just wanted to share. To make it official, and tell myself. (For what, I don’t know) But I hope that my future self doesn’t give this up. If I feel this way about writing now, and I feel determined to push myself through the uneasiness to just write something for my indulgence, then I know in the future I will keep writing, and it surely will reach the level I want to. 

So, for my 200th post, I just wanted to say how much I love writing, how grateful and incredibly happy I am to be able to do this for so long, and how I hope I keep this up for so much longer in the future. Then I can give up my uneasiness and push through confidently with my writing, and become the writer I’ve spent these 9 years looking up to be. So, good luck, future me. 

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